the Creative Thursday blog

born again @ 41

I'm writing this on the eve of my 41st birthday, actually 29 minutes until to be exact. 

Since Susannah, aka my aquarian twin {I have to say it's such a treat to share a birthday with her, born just one day apart, it's as if we have been and always will be on this journey together} wrote to a group of us a couple of weeks ago about her idea of sharing the 'truthful tales of how getting older rocks', I've got to be honest and say that this prompt got me thinking about if it really does?

But you know me, if you know me, of course I'm going to come back around, to yes! it most certainly does. It has just been a particularly tough couple of months and/or past year in several ways and I'd be lying to you if I didn't acknowledge that.

But at the end of the day, there is that knowing that seems to hang on in even the darkest times, the place in us that recognizes that this is an amazing time too, even if it is momentarily masquerading as crap.  Life, to me, is still magic.

And how do I know that? I know because as I sit here listening to music with my man on the eve of my birthday, refelecting on times past, all the memories are good. They just are. And believe me, I remember when some of those very same moments also felt really hard. It's as if all the experiences just blend together and what I'm left with is a profound gratitude.

Where am I going with all of this? Here's where: What you have in the early part of your life is this freedom from awareness. No matter how well meaning those older than you are, advising you to appreciate your childhood, your twenties, your thirties, reminding you that the world is your oyster; you're just never going to get it. You are never going to appreciate the time you have in the way you should because you simply can't. You have no hindsight. You haven't lived enough yet to have it. 

But when you're 40. You know that age that seems to freak people out a little? The same age that many almost univerally say is the moment when they first felt the most in their skin. Like they finally caught up with themsleves? It's true. Literally a couple of weeks after I turned 40 {I had to adjust} I felt like myself for the first time. It's fair to say that growing up an only child, spending a significant amount of time with adults, mostly connecting with friends older than me I have always felt ahead of my years. There were moments in my twenties when I actually yearned to be 40 because I knew that the world and the people in it would finally make sense in the way I had always observed it to be. And that's exactly what happened.

A coming of home of sorts. I have the awareness now to see all the good around me as it's happening and I still have my youth. 

Notice that I didn't reference 'the earlier part of life' as 'when you are young' because I have observed that youth is relative, that it is more about a daily decision than it is about how many years you've been on the planet.

I couldn't remember if I announced my age last year, but I did. And I'm so glad I did. Because these can be the years when you start becoming less enthusiastic and anticipatory about the number and the birthday all together. Those of us in the blogging world came up together in our twenties and our thirties, excitedly, anxiously marking those days and years and all of a sudden we've stopped noting the birthdays :-) ...but nope, not this group, as you will see by the eagerness to share in a multitude of posts that will be addressing this mysterious topic of getting older.

And I say mysterious because it seems that our society and culture have almost exclusively been teaching us one view of aging, and that is one of decline not one of expansion, vibrancy and aliveness like no other.

When awareness meets with aliveness, you are unstoppable. And this meeting can only happen when you've been here for a few-ish years. How lucky we are. Those of us who get to experience this meeting place. Oh, I can't even begin to tell you the depth of appreciation I feel on most days. Do I still experience stress, worry and fear as I grow older, I do. Honestly more than I'd like to. But now I have more tools to recognize it sooner and sort it out quicker. This skill set alone gives me a sense of freedom that I never had in my 'younger' days.

I have felt more beautiful now than I ever have. I started dancing again last year so I feel in better shape physically than I ever have. I am more in my skin than ever before and on the days when I can really embrace this, the clarity I have from knowing myself so well is the best. It really, truly is an amazing time and I'm so thankful to be here @ 41.

So the reason I'm calling this post born again is because I literally feel like, in so many ways, my life is just beginning now. Like the first 40 years were just a test run {a pretty good test run, I will say}. And now I get to take all that I have learned thus far and apply it to a life lived all over again. However many days ahead I have, I'll take them! If I get another 40, I'll be so lucky.  

I am awake. I have been for a while. But now, I get it. Every day I'm here is a gift to live, I mean really LIVE.

thank you to all the women {and men} who inspire me: those out ahead of me, who have shown me and cotinue to show me the way, especially my Mom who is a daily example that life at 75 can be even better still! and thank you to all of you coming up behind me who remind me that the ideals and characteristics of youth are here for me to embrace, always.

I am so ready to just to have a whole lot more fun.  The world is still my oyster.

I have a beautiful life and I don't want to miss a minute of it.

before it's too late

 

 

 

 

 
  

  
  

 

 

 
  
  
  

 

   
  

 

 
 
My Christmas vacation in photos.

I know I said I'd be back tomorrow, but I've decided to sneak in a day early. It's time, I'm ready to gently close out one decade and enter into the next.

1. the grove

2. seanie

3. kitties napping Christmas Eve

4. home made pecan pie, and by home made, I mean the crust too

5. Christmas Eve

6. ornaments

7. Lulu in Lolo

8. everyone is sleeping

9. from Sean

10. my new amanda blake art print, a gift from Sean

11. Seanie + me ~ It's hard to take a self-portrait {on a new Iphone!!!}

12. santa claus

13. zucchinis

14. skyping with my family in Germany

15. garbo girl

16. a holiday gathering

17. santa monica Irish pub

18. studio doorway

BIG plans

It goes without saying that the usual "resolution making", goal setting and reflection that accompanies the beginning of a new year, might create a restlessness and with it a wanting and a call to move forward. And with that...for me anyway an impatience (my signature response :)) to get it all going...NOW!

But I've been experimenting. In fact I would have to say that 2008 became an entire year of experimenting with different ways of being in this world, both personally and professionally. And with all the practice living in "new territories" so to speak ~ some of what I've learned is beginning to take hold...and this is very exciting for me.

One of the things I've learned is to trust the times where it seems like nothing is happening or moving forward ~ because truthfully that is the exact time when the seeds are being planted for the great "things" that are about to happen.

And it's trusting that process that allows you to see the the seedlings when they start to break ground. I know it's a little early for spring analogies but I can't help it because it's simply the best visual to try and explain what I'm talking about.

And I'm still not entirely sure if I'm making any sense with this post, but while blog surfing and catching up on emails that have come my way lately, I sense a restlessness out there, especially in the creative world ~ along with a very strong push to move forward, accompanied by a "now what" sort of fear and hesitation. And to be honest I can completely relate. The call to expand and evolve never stops, and with the expansion there is always  uncertainty about how and when things are going to happen.

The trick is to know how and when to calmly listen.
And when the answer is clear, then you move forward. Or another way of saying it is when the inspiration has a direction, that's when you take the next step.

To make my long blog post short, over the last several weeks, I've felt completely compelled to have long visits with friends, to linger over good meals, coffee, tea and glasses of wine. And the lucky person that I am I have some of the best friends to visit with ~ they inspire me so much.  Even so, I've been questioning my choices, feeling like I should be working more, creating more ~ and yet that's exactly what I've been doing. My work and creating has just taken on a different form over the last few weeks. And today after yet another fantastic visit with a friend (minus any earthquakes like our last visit), some things got very clear about what might be next for me. I could finally see that "what's next" has been in the works for quite a while (as is often the case in life).  And I share this with you, because I'm super excited ~ mostly because I think that my "big plans" will be a chance to help you, a chance to help each other, in the way I was hoping for, especially after reading all of your wishes in my calendar giveaway last month.

And I also share this with you to say that if you are feeling a restlessness with a bit of a lost sense of direction ~ don't fret. You're definitely not alone, and it's probably nothing more than the time of year combined with the heightened level of change that is happening in the world right now. And let's face there is a lot happening at the moment. If you can, try to use this time as a gift, a time to relax and listen, because the restlessness might soon reveal itself as the plan that you were looking and hoping for.

I know I'm not necessarily sharing any groundbreaking, new concepts here. I know I've heard it said before that there is always a time to be still and "go inward", to replenish, to refill the wells, plant the seeds ~ right I mean how many analogies are there? But it is still nice to be reminded, much like my post last week ~ because many times we hear things over and over, and then there are the moments when we come to know them for ourselves ~and sometimes that happens when we are reminded of them. And it's possible that my words or interpretation might present a new take on these concepts? I hadn't planned on writing such a lengthy post tonight...but I felt inspired and compelled to share. Just some food for thought :) and an announcement that some exciting things are in the works over here and until then I hope to be back with a "bright" new creation, maybe even as soon as tomorrow.

happy Christmas

from our family to yours ~

we discovered a whole new tradition on Christmas Eve ~
dancing to soul 70's music by the Christmas tree.

while Lulu lay nestled in her blanket.

hope you have a WONDERFUL holiday time!!

I'm signing off for a bit to enjoy the holiday time. I'm not sure yet when I'll return, but I'll see you soon.

Podcast #37 :: Change takes time

Hey, Hey ~ it's a new podcast!!

The topic of change is in the air...especially as we stand on the verge of such profound change in our country.

click above to listen now

click here to download MP3
Download Instructions
Mac Users option click and Windows users right click on link above to download the file.

Also I mention this in the podcast ~ but I want to repeat it here in the post. I am taking requests for podcast topics, so feel free to either email me requests or leave them in the comments below.

Enjoy ~ and I've already got another one lined up next!!

*Edit* Monday November 3 ~ This podcast audio link is down temporarily as I'm doing some final technical work on this blog. It will be back I promise, so please check back in the next day or so.

the value you place on yourself and your work

hi, it's me ~ the lady who keeps this blog~ :)

After just over two years of keeping this blog and posting hundreds of my creations, I had my first public comment questioning the value of what I create. Normally I would not bring focus to this but because I tend to talk candidly about these subjects on my blog and podcasts, in my continuing effort to encourage others that they too can make a living as a creative, I thought this would be a perfect example to remind all of us of our worth~ that the value we place on ourselves and on what we create is of supreme importance.

To ever be an artist of any kind, and actually sell your creations ~ valuing your work is a decision you will have to make. And if you grow as an artist and a business owner, this is a decision you will continue to make time and time again. As we all know creative work in itself is incredibly subjective ~ and more often than not it's selling price is in the eye of the beholder. Since it is in the eye of the beholder, the first value that must be placed is your own, and that will directly correlate with the value you place upon yourself, combined with your business intentions ~ each incredibly personal choices.

Valuing myself and my work enough to attach a dollar sign to it has been and continues to be one of the most challenging parts of being in business for myself, especially as an artist. I give great thought to every part of Creative Thursday, and especially the pricing of my creations. I will therefore not use this post to publicly justify my pricing. I will say that it is my intent as an artist to create meaningful, quality creations that I love and that I hope add great value to the world ~ and as a business owner it is my intent to price my products in a way that feels fair, and right with the value I place upon myself and my work. I trust that my loyal following of customers understand this. And to those customers who continue to show their support by enthusiastically purchasing my creations without question, I am endlessly thankful.

Before I sign off, I also want to add that I completely understand that we all place different value on different things, and that is just as it should be. And of course I'm not asking anyone to purchase my work who does not want to, for whatever reason. I also want people to feel like they can comment freely even if they disagree with me. I truly appreciate a willingness to bring up subjects that can be considered "controversial" or "uncomfortable" ~ I know it's not always easy in a public forum, and I can relate, always feeling slight trepidation every time I post something here that I think is not what everyone might relate to or "want to hear"~ always hoping that it comes across right in this written medium.  I actually do appreciate this particular comment for all the thought it has stirred in me. With that said, however, I do not post and share my work here on this blog ever asking for approval of its worth. And I would ask that if you feel compelled to challenge that publicly you first consider whether that challenge is coming from security or insecurity in yourself. And second I would ask that you give some thought to the kind courage it takes for any person to create or express from their personal selves and share it publicly. Then put yourself in their shoes.

*Edit* Monday, October 20 ~ this is turning into such an interesting discussion, via the comments ~ so I have to also say thank you to Amy for beginning it with her initial comment, and let you know that I will be back with more thoughts related to this subject and a whole other one that was opened as a result of this, but in the meantime I am responding via the comments below and thanks to everyone so far for graciously chiming in.

*Edit* also on Monday, later today :) ~ Just in case you don't read through all the lengthy comments below ~ I wanted to respond here about the use of my words "insecurity and security" in my last paragraph above. It seems that it is being misunderstood and it is important to me clear this one up, as it seems to be calling Amy's character into question and that was nor is ever my intent to call ANYONE's personal character to the table on this blog ~ I should have been more clear in my statement. When I said "you" in the "you feel compelled to challenge..." ~  I meant this in general for all of us posting in the blog world, and I include myself in the "us" because I do ask this of myself every time I hit publish. It is very important to me that my words here or on any other blog come from a secure place in me. If it ever does not read that way, I'm truly sorry. It is entirely clear to me now more than ever just how much everything, not just pricing :), is left open to interpretation.  So in an attempt to be clearer, I am not calling any one person or Amy insecure. I am just asking all of us, myself included, to think clearly about our intentions before we hit publish on our own blog and especially on anyone elses. How it is interpreted beyond that is out of our control but if we feel solid and secure in our intentions that is always what matters.

back home

I think... We've returned from a really wonderful vacation visiting our families in Northern California and Oregon. This is a self-portrait of a reflection of Sean and I standing on a deck overlooking a valley in Ashland, Oregon having wine and listening to a jazz band play a Miles Davis compilation on one of those glorious summer evenings, where the light lasts forever and the air is soft. It was in fact SO nice to be away, that what we are calling "re-entry" back into our regular lives has felt harder than usual this time. It's probably because it's the longest time we've been away from it all in a quite a while. We also had hours upon hours of thoughtful and inspiring conversations about life, with people we love coupled with generous time and space to think about what was, what is and what's next. But it may also be because we saw our dream house in Oregon, and now we're beginning to wonder if the heart of Los Angeles is really the place we want to call home. So if anyone knows of a piece of property like this, here on the West coast, with rolling hills, horses, a vineyard, and close proximity to the ocean, a farmer's market, and an Anthropologie, please let me know!

In the meantime, I hope many of you had a fun, fireworks filled holiday weekend ~ I will say that among many things, the vacation definitely delivered by re-freshing and re-inspiring all things creative. In fact I have so many ideas up my sleeve, I can't wait to share them with you. I'll be back soon with some of the newest creations and as of today, I'm officially glad to be home and ready to go back to work!

8 things

photo by Joanne Garel

about me?! I was tagged about 6 months ago now, by another lovely blogger and internet friend, Erinn over at the happy living blog. Along with sharing some of my favorite things before the year is out, it's time I respond to my tag and share my 8 things, already! I woke up this morning, thinking it's time, it's time for this blog post. Because you know, for some reason and here's my first thing

1. I can talk about myself, tell stories, share opinions, any time, any where but if you ask me directly to share about myself, I freeze up, feel anxiety and don't know what to tell you. I'm having anxiety right now writing this. Sometimes I think I'm still figuring out how to just be myself.

2. When people ask me where I'm from, I don't know what to tell them. I'm not really "from" anywhere. I've lived in California, Florida and Colorado, and they all feel like home in different ways. I was born in Freeport, Bahamas, so sadly my dreams of becoming the president of the United States cannot be realized.

3. Christmas has always been my favorite time of year, but now that I'm learning to surf, summer time in Southern California is a close second.

4. I once tried to break into the "Ocean's 11" premiere party, by scaling a small wall with my ex-husband and hiding in the very fancy celebrity porto potties. I came out just minutes too soon, otherwise we would've made it! (I had met Matt Damon, so nice by the way, while they were filming Ocean's 11 at the Bellagio, in Las Vegas, so you know, I thought I should go to the premiere party.)

5. I was married already for almost 10 years, to one of the best people I know. It was a wonderful time. I was happy, but it was also time for us to head in different directions for reasons far too complicated to share in this tiny post. Our marriage ended but our friendship continues and I'm so happy to report that both of our lives are going so well. I still believe in marriage, but mostly I believe in LOVE and I believe that things always work out.

6. I like to start every morning with a latte made from our stove top, Bialetti Italian coffee maker that Sean and I bought in Venice, Italy. And along with this I also want say that I adore Italy (who doesn't?) and have hopes of living in Europe part time, one of these days soon.

7. I have dreams, lots of them and they never stop coming. One of them is a dream of designing something, anything for Anthropologie, because I'm just completely head over heels for that store. My other dream is to appear in the annual holiday portrait ad campaign for the GAP. As I mentioned in my post a few days ago, my very first job, just days after turned 16 (I applied as soon as I became old enough because I idolized this store), was at the GAP. I think I'm a good candidate for their campaign, don't you? Teenage Gap employee turned artist?

8. I like to think that life just gets better and better. In so many ways, I've never been happier.

There, my 8 things. That wasn't so bad after all. (I actually think I may have squeezed in more than 8 things into my somewhat lengthy 8 things. Brevity is not my specialty.) Sean just woke up and and I asked him how he would answer these and being an improviser, he said "you know you should just write them fast without thinking too much about them". Since I've been losing sleep while thinking about them off and on for the last 6 months, I think that idea has gone out the window. Next time, next time someone tags me I'll improvise them!

I'm not going to tag anyone directly, but if you read this blog ~ let this be your tag to share about yourself, either on your own blog, or here in the comments. It's always so fun to read these and learn about you.

thank you Erinn

blonde is back, baby

My blonde is back!! And I'm back!! (from my mini holiday and from being a person without my blonde)

My (acting) agent and I made a little attempt with a "red hair" look for me, and while I could pull it off technically, I did not feel myself at all. It's so funny how attached we become to our "identities" especially associated with our hair, and especially the color. Although, it's not just us, as I think Sean thought his girlfriend had gone missing for a few months.

The beauty in all of the color attempts, is that the little bit of red that was left, now mixed in with the blonde makes for a really nice warm, golden color that I love. So, there. What do I tell you all the time? "it always works out". End of story.

I'm also happy to announce that technical difficulties are gone, and my daily paintings 2007 web page is back. Whew!

Now, back to business. End of story :)

(I’m back!) Podcast #23 staying focused, thinking BIG

self portrait march 2007

click above to listen now

click here to download MP3
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Mac Users option click and Windows users right click on link above to download the file.

Here are the friends mentioned in this week's podcast William, McCabe, and Kelly.